Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Let the Jealously Begin
Augh...Just found out a friend is having a girl. 2 boys, then a girl. I have tried so hard to be happy for her. But, I keep thinking that it should be me.....Sad Day.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
My Story
My first encounter with gender disappointment was when I was 4 years old. It was Christmas. I was beyond excitement to get my first Cabbage Patch Kid doll. It was on the top of my Christmas list to Santa: a girl cabbage patch kid (preferably with yellow hair). I opened my present and got a red-headed doll named Rufus instead. I didn’t care that the hair was the wrong color. He was a Cabbage Patch Kid. But he was (gasp) a boy. And I cried.
Twenty years later, it hit me again. As I heard the words “It’s a boy,” my mind went fuzzy, my heart started racing and tears of sadness rolled down my eyes. People thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy. This should have been happy news. HE was healthy. HE was a boy. HE was mine. After my ultrasound appointment, I went to Target- hoping if I spent money it would make me feel better. I bought a blue outfit that I hated.
That’s when I first heard the words – gender disappointment. Little did I know, these two words would haunt me for years to come.
What is gender disappointment? You won’t find it in the dictionary. Not many people have heard of it, or if they have- they don’t talk about it. First, let me tell you what it is not. It is not being disappointment in your kids. It is not wanting to trade them (although, I wanted to trade my doll, Rufus, at first). It is not wishing they were someone else. Gender disappointment is simply when the sex of your baby is not what you desired. For me, it is having my heart hurt so bad, because I knew that my dreams would never come true. It is the loss of a dream child. Anyone can get it (yes, even fathers). It can be mild, moderate or severe. It can come and go. It can come and last. It is ugly and it is not fun. If you feel like you are suffering from gender disappointment, remember that you are not alone. It is fairly common, although not talked about. You can help manage gender disappointment by being honest with yourself and your partner. You should not feel bad or guilty. Cry it out-this actually helps. Talk to your partner, close friends and family. Talk to your doctor if your gender disappointment is severe. Pamper yourself. Buy cute outfits for yourself. Staying positive and focusing on other things besides gender will help too. I should know. I have had a lot of practice.
Fast forward to today: I am now 30 years old. I am a mother of 3. I am a mother of all boys. Yes, I cried at all 3 ultrasounds. Gender disappointment is real. I had it. I still have it. I have learned to live with it. So, what is my life like now with 3 (4 counting Rufus) bouts of gender disappointment? Well, I look at my family now and am content. I love watching my boys play with their father. I love watching them play with each other. I love them. I would not trade them for anything. However, I still feel “the need” for a girl. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away-that need not to replace, but to add to my family. If I could sum up my life today in one word, it would be hopeful. Hopeful that my husband will turn senile at an early age and want another child. Hopeful that one day we may adopt a little girl from another country. Hopeful that when my sons grow up, they will live close by and bring me granddaughters (and grandsons too) to visit often. Hope-this is what gets me through most of my days. I have accepted it. I still hope. I still pray. And on some sad days, I still get a little heart ache when they see a family with both genders. It doesn’t take long now, though, for me to take a step back and look at my life. I look at my sweet boys who I love so much and I would not take anything back.
Twenty years later, it hit me again. As I heard the words “It’s a boy,” my mind went fuzzy, my heart started racing and tears of sadness rolled down my eyes. People thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy. This should have been happy news. HE was healthy. HE was a boy. HE was mine. After my ultrasound appointment, I went to Target- hoping if I spent money it would make me feel better. I bought a blue outfit that I hated.
That’s when I first heard the words – gender disappointment. Little did I know, these two words would haunt me for years to come.
What is gender disappointment? You won’t find it in the dictionary. Not many people have heard of it, or if they have- they don’t talk about it. First, let me tell you what it is not. It is not being disappointment in your kids. It is not wanting to trade them (although, I wanted to trade my doll, Rufus, at first). It is not wishing they were someone else. Gender disappointment is simply when the sex of your baby is not what you desired. For me, it is having my heart hurt so bad, because I knew that my dreams would never come true. It is the loss of a dream child. Anyone can get it (yes, even fathers). It can be mild, moderate or severe. It can come and go. It can come and last. It is ugly and it is not fun. If you feel like you are suffering from gender disappointment, remember that you are not alone. It is fairly common, although not talked about. You can help manage gender disappointment by being honest with yourself and your partner. You should not feel bad or guilty. Cry it out-this actually helps. Talk to your partner, close friends and family. Talk to your doctor if your gender disappointment is severe. Pamper yourself. Buy cute outfits for yourself. Staying positive and focusing on other things besides gender will help too. I should know. I have had a lot of practice.
Fast forward to today: I am now 30 years old. I am a mother of 3. I am a mother of all boys. Yes, I cried at all 3 ultrasounds. Gender disappointment is real. I had it. I still have it. I have learned to live with it. So, what is my life like now with 3 (4 counting Rufus) bouts of gender disappointment? Well, I look at my family now and am content. I love watching my boys play with their father. I love watching them play with each other. I love them. I would not trade them for anything. However, I still feel “the need” for a girl. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away-that need not to replace, but to add to my family. If I could sum up my life today in one word, it would be hopeful. Hopeful that my husband will turn senile at an early age and want another child. Hopeful that one day we may adopt a little girl from another country. Hopeful that when my sons grow up, they will live close by and bring me granddaughters (and grandsons too) to visit often. Hope-this is what gets me through most of my days. I have accepted it. I still hope. I still pray. And on some sad days, I still get a little heart ache when they see a family with both genders. It doesn’t take long now, though, for me to take a step back and look at my life. I look at my sweet boys who I love so much and I would not take anything back.
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